The hunger artist

Being an ascetic for brief periods again is hella therapeutic.. hunger and minimalism helps saving both energy “and money tehe” .. i do it since i was in hs for religious and therapeutic purposes and it seems to help every time, after periods of extravagance & indulgence with less boundaries and more freedom, I really enjoy both.. but, i’ve never doubted or regretted asceticism.. but i do with being maximalist and letting go of self discipline.. not gonna lie.

Sustainable gratification

“Ugh, the quest for happiness! it’s unreasonable to be happy all the time”

Less is easier, lighter and safe.. but I can’t stick to it for long periods.. i need me some thrill and loudness.. for me it’s triggering yet I won’t stop doing it, the reason why is “if i’m not giving myself the chance to go forward and break the rules i make for myself, then i’ll never taste the goodness of being mystic”.

I remember years ago i read one of Kfaka’s works “the hunger artist”.. i related to this man a lot.. his reasons of practicing hunger/fasting as a way of living, self-definition and hobby.. were mesmerizing to me.

“because I couldn’t find a food which I enjoyed. If had found that, believe me, I would not have made a spectacle of myself and would have eaten to my heart’s content, like you and everyone else”

Times of spending more, talking more and engaging more are really thrilling and overwhelming that sometimes you get stuck in a ring of disgust and joy, I can’t hear myself even tho i know i needed this deafness.. i need to be loud, outgoing and outrageous, burning all social constructs to the ground just to feel something, i kid you not.. I didn’t feel a thing until I practiced sufism for the first time of my life while 18 years old.. as passenger said :

“you only need the light when it’s burning low

Only miss the sun when it starts to snow

Only know you’ve been high when you’re feeling low

Only hate the road when you’re missing home”

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